Confession of a Sex Addict
Bet that headline caught your attention, didn’t it? Just the name makes my head want to whip around to see who they’re talking about. Makes me want to pick up my daughter and run the other direction.
Unfortunately, I can’t run away from myself. Or maybe that is fortunate, because if I could, I would. I actually did try running away from myself for years – from past hurts and mistakes through just about any means I could.
I’ve told you all about my physical struggles with alcohol and drugs, quitting smoking, and even my multiple attempts to quit biting my nails. 
I am blessed with a very slim build, but I even had/have issues with binge/overeating. I could go on and tell you about my emotional struggles too, but that isn’t really important. I’ve struggled with just about every “ism” you could imagine, but none of those got me to seeking help, to eventually understand why I do these things, or to have hope that life could be different.
My wife had to work one Sunday which was quite rare. I went to church by myself. The last time that happened, I actually cried during a play that the church put on… Yeah, cold, stony me I was wondering what would happen this time, as I settled into the back row of the highest spot in the balcony – “nice and safe here,” I thought.
The pastor spoke for awhile and I can’t even remember what the sermon was about, but he invited a young man to come up to share his testimony. He shared about sexual addiction and all of the compulsive activities surrounding it. He spoke about reducing women down to objects that were sources for his fulfillment, and I felt rotten. While the way in which my addictions played out were slightly different than his, I was just like this young man. I had problems with sexual addictions for years and ignored them.
Society even said that what I did was normal. In college? That’s what college kids do, right? I thought that when I got married, everything would be just fine because it was just something I did. However, I didn’t understand the deep spiritual and therefore physical implications of sexual addiction.
After the service I felt God impressing me to go talk to this guy. I was so scared and tried to make all kinds of excuses – “I am NOT going to a group for sex addicts,” I thought. “That is for perverts, creeps, and abusers!”
I didn’t really have much choice, though, as God was all over me on this one. I attended the next meeting, and other meetings around twice a week for the next year. I learned so many things about the “whys” of addiction. I learned that all addictions are basically the same. I learned that most of what I was told about addictions are partially wrong – factually correct in some aspects, but full of glaring omissions because they tackled the issue from an ineffectual end.
There is far too much for me to tell in one post, so I will be sharing more about addiction in future posts. I’ll still sprinkle in Christian growth posts and inane stories about my life, but it is so important now that I share what Christ has done for me with all of you.
I’ve learned since that one day in church, that support groups for sexual addiction are not full of perverts, creeps, and abusers. They are full of sinners, but they are also full of people that God desperately loves and has saved by his grace – not through the acts of those individuals as they work hard towards accepting freedom from their addictions, but through the work of one man 2000ish years ago who died on a cross for nothing that he did to deserve it.
I’m grateful for that Sunday in church, for that young man who shared his testimony and later listened to mine. I’m grateful for my wife for her love, incomprehensible grace, and bravery in encouraging me when I said I was going to share this. I’m grateful to family, and friends in Christ who have been very supportive. I’m also grateful for each one of you that I get to tell this story to, knowing full well that there is a better-than-even chance one of you is struggling with some physical or mental struggle and wants out. There is still a great deal of pain, and mistrust that exists but it’s far better than the life I led for the first 31 years of my life.
So… my name is Matt, I’m a believer in Jesus Christ. I’m recovering from sexual addiction, anger issues, control issues, chemical abuse, and co-dependency. I tell you with joy and with 100% certainty that there is a way out from whatever struggle you are facing today – I’m nobody special on my own, but through Christ all things are possible. All things.
If anyone is struggling with any form of addiction, I strongly encourage you to take that first step and seek help. Check out Celebrate Recovery, or contact your a local church. It doesn’t have to be yours either – that may even be preferable, about 1/3 of our attendees aren’t church members. Anonymity is nice. If you can’t find a specific Christian support group, get into a 12-step group like AA, NA, etc. You may want to do both. Be sure to come back and tell me how you’re doing, too – be blessed!
You have guts, that’s for sure. I’m really proud of you, and love you very much.
There are new sex addiction recovery-related MP3 downloads from Hope & Freedom Counseling Services. They can be found at http://www.RecoveryOnTheGo.com
Thanks for sharing your story. I work for Covenant Eyes and we make an Internet accountability program that has worked really well for many people. It’s always good to hear about how quality accountability and counseling continues to bring freedom into people’s lives!
Luke, I actually now have that on the computer. Had xxxchurch but needed something a little more responsive to my technical capabilities. With free, I get what I pay for. If you want to come up with a coupon code for readers of the blog and post it here, that would probably swing you some business because 8 bones a month is tough when there are free options or even $24 one-time payments w/ updates.
hi… its john… i just want to know if that was easy for you to get over the issue? because i m afraid i cant and i just don’t know what to do…
John
I have the best and worst news.
Let’s get the worst out….
It was not easy for me to get over the issue… I still have not eradicated lust from my mind. From the biblical definition which in my experience has produced life in my marriage – I’ll probably never be free from lust 100% any more than I will from greed or idolatry.
And now for the best…
What God instructed me to do was to start taking those steps toward him via a recovery program. That accountability, openness and honesty disarmed the secrets which were poisoning me from the inside. And I’m not just talking about my warped view of what sexuality was – this applied to everything else in my life once I really got honest w/ God.
Wherever you’re at, check out http://www.celebraterecovery.org/ if there is no group in your area (and driving can be awesome medicine – God loves a good road trip), then check out a SA group & take some extra time to seek out other Christ-followers.
Shoot me something in the contact form if you want to talk more. This is what I’m here for brother -
If it isn’t war, its addiction. We are constantly fighting for our freedom. The battle lines of today are sex, pornography, cocaine, marijuana, alcohol… all of these used to an extent that leads a person to a personal hell. Addiction. The trenches are fought and won in recovery. The front lines of the battle are fought in cities and towns all over our home front. The next war is here just like everyone thought. But the war this time is not a war on terror, it’s not a war against a country with a civil war, it’s not a threatening dictatorship, the war is within us. Sounds fitting for our 20th century lines of thought anyways.
As I log onto my computer, I strain to not go onto pichunter.com. I squeak and squirm, filled with fear. Eaten up with resentment, selfishness and self centeredness. I am in a state of mind that has no concern for anything of value. I am fighting my addiction one minute at a time. The soldier pointing the gun in my direction hunkered in the trench just a mere 20 yards in front of me…I. Far more deadly than terrorist planning threats on our country. For he, if even capable, will only kill a small number. But the number that die on our own home front day in and day out are horrendous. I am far more dangerous to myself than even the most trained and vicious enemy. My breathing is fast and my heart is beating, I can already feel the chemical high from the thought of surfing the web for pictures and videos of sex. I remember what I have been taught in the training camp for this addiction. I remember the tools I have been given, but only somewhere deep. All I can do at this moment, in this grip is to go to my wallet and pull out a picture of my beloved fiancé. Her precious smile, her alive and excited facial features begin to pry the fingers of my enemy from my throat. I probably start to breathe a little easier, but even still I am taken. My mind has been cleared enough to open a document on the computer with another picture, this one of me holding her in my arms, both of us smiling, dressed in our best for a Thanksgiving reunion and feast. I feel the grip of the pull to open Mozilla Firefox internet search engine to type in the media bar my frequented online porn sites address. The search engine like my taxi to my local hole in the wall bar. I’d like to call it a bar because its where I get my medicine, it’s where I get my legal, “over the counter,” drugs, now that I have quit using the cocaine,marijuana,pharmipsuedicals ,ectacy,acid,mushrooms,opium,alcohol. I now use porn and it’s better than all the rest. I get the high; I get the low and everything in between. And it doesn’t cost more to see any specific type. Everything I ever need is free and having to pay would just lessen the experience.
I begin typing this letter, maybe it will be a song, maybe it will go into a journal, maybe the A.A. grapevine.
I was inspired by a thought of men in war flying fighter jets and literally fighting for their lives. Seeing their lives flash before their eyes in split seconds and looking at a picture of their wife to find the strength for that one last push to get by, to take out the enemy or just to get away and safely back home.
This addiction to pornography and my sex addiction, the sexual anorexia, the self centerdness, the fear,sloth…my disease is no different than those in war. In a split second I could lose everything I love… my job, my fiancé,my friends,my family,my future,my life…in one click of a mouse. This is the story of relapse. This is my story of my life and the battle that I fight with the help of my friends, my family, my higher power whom I choose to call god, jesus. With all of this combined I will keep my freedom just one more day. Freedom, isn’t that what this country is about, freedom. Some may say we have freedom to do these things, porn isn’t bad, please no censorship! And I am not even talking about any of these issues. I am talking about the disease of addiction. The drugs, the porn, the alcohol, these are not my problem. My problem, my enemy lies at my fingertips, the space between my finger and the mouse. That space is me, that space is my will. That space is my choice. We all have a choice everyday. Choose freedom. Get help. This life and the beautiful things on this planet are not to got unseen. The beautiful creatures are not to go untouched and undiscovered and malnouriched and destroyed. Yes we talk of freedom, true freedom, yes take your freedom and your debauchery if you want, but I choose nature, I choose open fields,mountains,planes,architecture,art,music, forests,ponds,lakes,oceans,rivers,fish,horses. This is what I choose to call freedom. This is what I choose to call my freedom.