Comments on: How Long Does it Take to Break a Habit or Addiction?

By: Matt

Matt — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 03:54:59 +0000

Hey Daniel, thanks for your openness. My reply may draw me some ire from those in the gay community but hopefully we’ll fly under the radar here and this will be of encouragement to you. I believe God wants you to have a fruitful marriage someday with a woman and it’s purpose will be a blessing here on earth, but ultimately be a shadow of what is to come with your relationship to God. It was weird of me to think of it that way but much of that was because my understanding of sex and love got so twisted from my upbringing. Maybe it’s the same or it isn’t with you, but just saying it is good you are raising these questions with yourself and hopefully with the Lord. It seems he’s tugging on your heart in some way and calling you into something deeper and more wonderful with him.

Not sure the depth of the relationships w/ other dudes that you’re talking about so bear with me a bit. I don’t know much about people feeling romantic love and anything like a soul tie to a person of the same sex so if that’s the case I’ll have to plead ignorance of what God does with those feelings. I haven’t had many guys come through our group who struggle in that way.

There have been guys who struggled with homosexual thoughts where the beginning was rooted in porn and they kept going after something edgier to raise the sexual intensity of their “session”. More “taboo” and more “taboo” until it gets to a point where they are confused. A deep romantic love wasn’t their struggle but society kept telling them their desire for sex meant they were just in denial about not having an emotional attraction as well.

I know from experience even straight porn and any kind of fantasizing or masturbation outside of the bonds of marriage destroys the chance for intimacy in a relationship. Even guys into straight porn keep pushing the envelope – weirder and weirder stuff, or they start moving the age range – seen a couple guys go away for that. Heartbreaking…

People rail against me for talking about how evil porn and lust is like I’m backwards or behind the times, but I’m always trying to stay on the cutting edge and challenging common wisdom. Sometimes that burns me, but I’ve experienced the damage of porn first-hand and seen literally hundreds of guys over the years trying to let the Lord rebuild this area of their lives. We’ve got to keep talking about it and I’m glad you stopped my. It’s just too important and too much of a live grenade for men to let these struggles and conversations go unspoken.

Wish there was a simple answer brother. Coming to the Lord with an open heart acknowledging giving my heart over to lust is a first step. Letting him reeducate me on what he meant for me to do with my sexuality (keeping it within the marriage bed) is another step. Accountability in terms of going to a group may help. You don’t have to go to some “deprogramming” type of group or whatever. I would doubt “homosexuality” is your problem here. My hunch from what I’ve seen would be this is a lust issue that’s just barreled downhill. Going to a Christ-centered recovery group like Celebrate Recovery or whatever may be a great support to you. For example we talk very little about the actual addiction – some guys it’s sex, others alcohol, others anger, others codependency… it doesn’t matter because the root of all of them is exactly the same and the solution is exactly the same.

Really hate trying to answer this stuff in an email but hope this is of some encouragement. Hit me up on the contact form if you want to talk about it more. I have a serious heart for guys in your situation – not in any type of piteous way, but because I’ve struggled with lust and experienced the destructive power. If any guy can escape, I’ll do what it takes to help. The Lord is with you -

By: Matt

Matt — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 03:07:46 +0000

Hey Steve, wasn’t hanging onto your post – just don’t check the comment queue on the blog as often as I should. Ton of spam on the web so I have to manually review them all. Had 59 tonight to read through. Thanks for posting and I’ll try to review the queue more often. Blessings,

By: Steve Hawkins

Steve Hawkins — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 06:46:24 +0000

Disappointed my post was removed? Had a genuine issue, maybe you thought I was trying to be awkward. Pity. Thought people wer being open on here? Bless you anyway.

By: Steve

Steve — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 13:24:01 +0000

Hi
I thought I was free of porn – but I have fallen back into it. I stay free about 2 weeks then – bam -fall again. I know Jesus is my answer but I’m not quite sure how to appropriate this freedom.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 20:11:15 +0000

I finally quit smoking after 10 years. Started at 17. So sad. Been in church my whole life. 3times a week. For 20 years. I should have known better. But it was always a subject that some preachers thought would send you to hell and other pastors said it would not send you to Hell. But you will smell like you’ve been there. Finally God had to show me. That by sacrificing this habit I loved, I would truly get to see who He was in my life. He has been helping me so much. I knew I could never quit on my own. He had to help me.

By: Daniel

Daniel — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 15:38:51 +0000

Yeah for me it’s kind of a double-whammy: I’ve struggled with homosexuality for almost as long as I remember, since childhood. I didn’t realize that it was a problem until I discovered masturbation. I then found myself staying up into the middle of the night warching gay porn and masturbating ad naseum. I have a girlfriend now, but I haven’t told her about my struggles; I know she wouldn’t understand. And lately the porn isn’t enough: I’ve started hooking up with other gay men, although I recognize how wrong it is. I’m so confused physically and sexually, and worried that I will never be able to love a woman as passionately and beautifully as God wants me to. I don’t want to end up in a loveless relationship with a woman that I can never be truly intimate and vulnerable with. What should I do?

By: Matt

Matt — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 13:28:11 +0000

Hey Lester. Thanks for stopping by.

Feelings of homosexuality… that’s a tough one to tackle in such a small space. Sounds like you’re aware of the foundation of truth here. That’s truly excellent, because there are many people trying to convince folks like you and I of otherwise.

For now let’s look at the sexual abuse and depression angle. There are some root issues here which if you go at those, you’ll likely find the answers you’re looking for.

Jesus is the only one who can pull us out of slumps. I struggle with depression as well, so have plenty of experience in that area. Another angle to look at this from re: suicide. Is:

(A) God loves you with an incredible passion you and I will scarcely understand this side of eternity. Ask him to show you even a piece of it. I am praying for you about this as well… right now, actually.
(B) I’ve never experienced sexual abuse, though one of my best friends has who is starting up a men’s sexual abuse survivors group. He’s not a blogger unfortunately but I know at least Celebrate Recovery addresses that – a few guys in my group right now who are dealing with that. If there is no CR in your area, check into a similar Christ-centered 12-step group. And
(C) Hang with me here all the way through this one because I bring it back around at the end. The root of suicidal feelings isn’t hopelessness (been here at times in my life). It’s pride. I realize nobody feeling suicidal wants anyone jumping on the pile and I’m not here. The positive part of this God lets us take from this when he lets us hit the end of ourselves (feelings of hopelessness) is now I know what to do.

At my feelings of deepest hopelessness, I am also at the closest point to being willing to fully put my hope in God. I’m then free from having to attack circumstance (e.g. whatever struggles exist in my life). God has us attack our pride while seeking his love and we’ll see some of those depressive feelings lift – I guarantee you that based on the hundreds of guys I’ve seen over the years coming through recovery programs.

It’s going to be more than okay. Give me a shout back next time you have a sec -

By: Lester

Lester — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 21:05:07 +0000

I did not mention earlier that in an effort to be “one of the guys” as I always wanted to fit in…I married and now have 4 beautiful children…all with the same woman. She knows my struggles and believe it or not had a similar story as she was molested as a child herself. Even though she knows a little…she does not know the depths of this struggle. I hate to talk about it with her as I’m afraid she’d question even further her own sexuality. I constantly get depressed and go through months of this often feeling suicidal. Its getting harder to pull myself out of these slumps. Please give my your advice.

By: Lester

Lester — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 21:00:11 +0000

How do I break the chains of homosexuality? I already know its wrong. Even an idiot can see that God is not pleased when a man (who is equipped to be with a woman) lies with another man. I blame early childhood experiences for my struggle. I was molested at two different times in my life at the ages of 7 and 14. Both times were by neighbors and growing up in a single parent home (no dad) already left me unassured. I had no father figure to model. Now I want to live a Christian life but keep finding myself behaving completely unchristian. I have prayed but often feel as though God is just as absent as my father.

By: Rena

Rena — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 08:20:53 +0000

Hi, I have been encouraged reading the posts and seeing the honesty in people to share their problems. I really pray that God will strengthen you through this time.

It’s almost the new year and so I’m trying to break habits.
I have constantly been struggling with is with masturbation. It started when I accidentally discovered ‘mature’ on-line fanfiction, and my school friend encouraging me to try it out. Slowly, I started to look for more ‘materials’ and honestly am addicted to mature content fanfiction (stories) and manga (Japanese comics), even playing adult sex games and watching short anime clips that involve sex. I hate it and I’m embarrassed by it, so I havent been able to talk to my pastors – I’m afraid of how they will look at me, and I know they won’t hate me or anything and they will support and encourage me, but maybe it’s my pride – I dont want anyone i know, to know about it. I have prayed many times for God to break this addiction and stronghold in my life, but my faith and relationship with God has also weakened. I want to desire God and spend time reading His Word each day and being able to pray, but I struggle with it.

I’ve always given excuses about it, saying that it’s not sin if I’m not thinking of a person, but I know it’s wrong.

Can anyone help me to break this? With prayer or with advise, I would appreciate it.