The Other Definition of Denial You May Not Have Heard Before
The first step in any 12-step program and Celebrate Recovery is to overcome denial by admitting our problem. God says in Jeramiah 6:14
“You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there.”
When I read that step on my first day of Celebrate Recovery, I thought, “One down, 11 to go.” I knew full well that I had many addictions and compulsive behaviors which were out of control. I picked up the ability to be extremely hard on myself from a young age and had no problem identifying my problems.
However, there was one part of denial which I was not aware of.
When God said “wound” in Jeremiah, I thought that meant the wound of my addiction. Sure, the actions surrounding any addiction create(d) negative consequences for myself and loved ones, but those are the “leaves of evil”, not the “root.”
What is the Root of Your Addiction or Lingering Temptation?
When did it all start for you? There were some moments from my childhood which I can now look back on and say, “Even taking responsibility for my role, that was REALLY screwed up”!
I didn’t know how to face and deal with those feelings as a child, but I sure tried. I started off burying my fear and anger by comfort eating when I was a youth. I didn’t know about chemical or sexual release at that age but something about scavenging the cupboards and fridge for something to eat made me forget for a bit. Fortunately I was blessed with the metabolism of a jackrabbit so nobody called me on it. As I got older, I buried how angry I was about those situations with lies, massive amounts of alcohol, cigarettes, some drugs, sex, nervous habits, deception, and more.
My wife even called me out this denial when I shared a story or two of my past with her. She said, “Wow, you must be furious.” Back then I said, “No, that was a long time ago. I’m over it.” That was completely wrong, though I didn’t realize it at the time. I had successfully detached myself from my emotions and forced that pain way down inside where I couldn’t see or feel it.
“You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there”. Jeremiah 6:14 (NLT)
That’s how most of us deal with it though, right? Fight or flight. Sometimes I fought but that never worked out in the end because I had no position of strength. So I did what many do - flee through denial, detachment of feelings. Some call those people “stuffers.”
Denial Always Bubbles to the Surface
“Stuffing” doesn’t work, though. There is no way to stop the effects of sin from happening unless God is involved.
Isaiah 53:4-5
Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken,Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.
My life was like one of those little stress balls. I would find an area of my life that needed fixing, and I would
sqqqqquuuuueeeeeeezzzzzeeeeeee
it until I felt it was taken care of. Only problem is I didn’t deal with the root so I just found another way to act out.
A Great example is when I decided to quit drinking. I did this “white knuckle” and without God. Want to know how that one worked out for me and my wife? I’ll give you a guess.
If you answered, “Not that well,” you would be up for the understatement of the year award. I’m not big on cussing, but I turned into a real (see image-right). That phrase probably doesn’t even describe it.
When you squeeze a stress ball, the filling of the stress ball oozes away from it’s previous location, but it is contained by a stretchy rubber coating - it’s not going anywhere. That is a perfect analogy for what happened to me.
“You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there”. Jeremiah 6:14 (NLT)
All that unforgiveness I had turned into bitterness because I had no idea what to do with those feelings. I tried to fill that emptiness with a new career and a few other addictions which had been there, but on the backburner while I previously self-medicated with alcohol.
In the end, I did have the drinking relatively under control. That had been the issue which caused me and others the greatest pain (or so I thought), so I went on with life trying to squish the rest of my personality flaws.
God got a hold of me though about sexual addiction and told me in no uncertain terms that this would have to stop and I would need to get help. 2 Years later and I’m here sharing this story with you.
What Is Your Next Step Regarding Denial?
My guess is you’re on this website because you are struggling with something. It doesn’t have to be drugs or alcohol either. You could be struggling with food, your self-image, biting your nails, maybe you just can’t say “no” to people - whatever. The path to freedom is the same for you as for the heroin addict in a flophouse.
“You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there”. Jeremiah 6:14 (NLT)
Are you going to start dealing with it or let this pain pwn you the rest of your life? (yes, that’s right teenagers. A 30-something just used “pwn” in-context, so it is no longer cool. Move along, move along)
- Get in a Christ-centered 12 step group like Celebrate Recovery - even if you don’t believe in Jesus Christ, go anyway. Nobody is trying to pitch you on Christianity, but when you get a few steps in, you’ll understand why this one is different from the other addiction programs.
- Start being real with yourself about everything that has happened to you - Do not do this step without doing #1 first! You will screw yourself up and also the people you may be seeking recovery to protect, I guarantee. This is really heavy stuff and once you start pulling that string, the whole ball of yarn comes out and you need to have that support network and actionable steps to clean up the mess. Even if you are a professional counselor, you can’t clean up what only God can.
- Be patient - It could take months to really start getting through some of this - I fought angry thoughts about those perpetrators for much longer than I wanted to and that was with asking God to help me forgive them the whole way. It could be less though - I wasn’t really giving God and the program 100% of my effort.
I didn’t “get” this part of Denial until about 1/2 way through my 12-step experience with Celebrate Recovery so I say this to you to save months of wasted effort in trying to get free from whatever it is you are struggling with today.
Once you do start dealing with these emotions you will be ready for the rest of the steps and ready to start moving toward the reason God put you down here in the first place.
I’m excited for you - be blessed!
Thanks Pastor John, for your openness. Many Christians are afraid to say they have problems such as this, once they are saved, because of cliched statements meant to be of faith. In actuality, such statements can be condemning, and silence the person from getting the help they need. The Celebrate Recovery program sounds great, being based on the Beatitudes, Jesus’ most profound words on mental and spiritual health. God bless you, Leigh
Hi Leigh,
Thanks for your comment. It’s “Matt” though, and I’m certainly no pastor (lol).
Even though we are saved, we do have problems. Once we understand the true power of Christ, we begin to understand those problems have no power of their own but “where there is lack of knowledge, the people shall perish”