Guys struggle mightily with isolation - there are always those who try to enable us pointing back to hunter gatherer times but let’s look at the fruit before we let genetics and the past before we knew about much of anything before we cast off responsibility to change. Extended isolation when there is a choice does not usually lead to God’s will in our lives primarily because Christ told us what God’s will is for our lives and hanging out by ourselves isn’t it.

Promise Keepers is a men’s organization whose primary goals is to keep guys connected with the Lord and other men in order to fulfill God’s mighty call on their lives. Every year I go and connect with guys. I think, “hey, maybe this isn’t that bad.” :)  And then I go back to “real life.” Of course the guys who thrive on social interaction and hugs don’t get me but that is perhaps 50% of guys if not less.

If you are a guy who struggles with isolating yourself in either bad times or good, know that you are not alone and that we have been called to something in Christ which extends beyond our capability to achieve - we don’t have to want to be in relationship with others necessarily but he brings people together. Often those people are misfits and the least likely to be able to accomplish his work but it isn’t about us - it is about him.

So you’d think after drinking all that in, I would have taken every precaution to act completely different, right? I’ll share a little nugget here which I wouldn’t normally share.

I am both a planner and somewhat of a “driver”. I think more of the former but my wife swears the latter . I would have a disagreement with “X” person. If I didn’t blow up right then an make a fool of myself, I would then stew over it, rehearsing to plan the perfect response. If you’re nodding your head, then you know what comes next, right? Yeah. It never works out the way it did in my head, so basically I’ve wasted 30 second snippets of my life for how long?

The problem is like any method of coping with sin, there is no end unless it is taken to the Lord.

My little “strategy session” would leak over into other moments of my life. When I turned my life over to Christ, he pointed out that I mulled over potential or former arguments more than I did anything else. I was shocked & even a bit defensive

Then God started pointing it out every time I started doing it. I was amazed at how this habit had actually broken through to my subconscious. I was totally in denial about something almost comically tragic. I could walk into a 12 step group and say, “hey guys, I can’t stop drinking.” I’d probably get a high five in even a baptist church but revealing that I can’t stop replaying or rehearsing arguments in my head gets me a nice soft cell in a quiet place.

What’s even funnier is how long that habit took to break. Only with a steady stream of the word of the Lord to renew my mind and innermost thoughts along with exercising those spiritual truths did it lift. When I would start going through the motions of my relationship with God, I would regain many of the same habits.

Only reason I share this is not so I look like a moron, but because a couple guys nodded, smiled, and then shook their heads when I admitted it. There were probably less than 15 guys in the room that night so this is probably not that unique. I want you to know that you are not “crazy” (just sinful, like me) no matter what people have conditioned you to think, and that the Lord is waiting for you to turn to him and rely on him to not just save you from this struggle but the deeper struggle of life that caused this and any other issue which is on your mind today.

If you are someone that struggles with holding onto anger, I want to not just pray for you (which I will, leave a prayer in the comment section below and be as anonymous as yo want), but I’d like to help you get plugged into a recovery group. Anger is just as curable as alcoholism, eating disorders, or any other issue which we’ve come to realize is sinful either by direct command of the Lord or simply because we know it keeps us from him.

1. Those that do what we think of when we think of worrying. They look scared & timid. They do the cartoon bit of chewing off fingernails like they’re a typewriter. They can’t make a decision and bungle situations they would normally nail. I have been this person.
2. The others are those that seem quite confident as they blaze through situations. Doesn’t work out like they wanted it to? They start barking orders and “make it happen.” I have also been this person

The American culture values #2. The only problem is that #2 is handled just as wrong as #1 is in most situations. I never realized I was a worrier because I didn’t act fearful when things weren’t working out as I wanted. I got angry.

What I didn’t realize is that most anger is just another expression of fear. Yeah, yeah, Jesus got angry, but I’d better man up if I’m going to pull the JC comparison.

So, what leads you to worry? Go ahead and share in the comments because it will make you feel better - c’mon, there are about 500 people a day that read this blog and less than 1% share. Step over the line. Be anonymous, even.

I’ll go first

• Will I be able to raise my daughter in a way where she is given the best opportunity to live a live that honors the Lord and is a blessing to others? Since I rarely do either, I’m not sure how this is going to be passed on
• Career - My wife is feeling a very strong calling to reduce her hours at work as we enter this new phase of parenting. She is an important contribution to the family financially in such a way that I have no idea how this is going to work out. Of course I only have to search my own blog to find situations where the Lord has done far more than I could imagine in the financial realms, so why am I worrying?
• Will I ever beat these addictions? - I’ll blog more on this later but I have had the wrong mindset about my struggles. I look at it like “let’s fix this and that and that and then things will be okay and I’ll be a better person.” After 2+ years in 12-step, I’m thinking something different. Not saying Paul’s thorn in his side was anything more than a physical pain, but let me take a little liberty here. Could I be okay with struggling with X and Y the rest of my life? I’m not saying giving in, but just being tempted. Paul talked about doing what he didn’t want to do and he was pretty much the “superman” of the New Testament. His major downfall came before his ministry unlike almost every other person of the OT and NT. Even if I was never able to say, “I struggled with this 10 years but I’ve been clean for 30″, would God still be glorified if I could say, “I struggled with this 40 years but God still forgave me and I’m here today in such gratitude?” Check the scriptures for what is said about the person to whom much is forgiven.
• Being a “success” - I am incredibly competitive. Unfortunately I went after the world definition of success and I see it reinforced every time I watch a golf tournament or even get online w/ friends. My life will not be a success when I have enough so that I don’t have to worry or even have enough to cover worst-case situations. My success does not lie in the state of my marriage, the wellness of my kids, the status of my employment or even how many times I went on mission trips. My good works are filthy rags to the Lord. That is sometimes hard to understand but it is a heart issue. If I am glorifying the Lord in what I do, it doesn’t matter if I am preaching a sermon, picking up trash in the park, or sitting on a park bench. If I am not glorifying the Lord in what I do, it does not matter if I am preaching a sermon, picking up trash…

That did bring up an interesting idea I once had - about 1/4 of all internet searches are related to sexual topics, according to a few studies and even from some openly public data that aol search accidentally released a couple years ago.

What if people who knew about search engine optimization (study and practice of getting websites ranked highly in search engines for particular searches), focused on getting legitmate resources ranked for otherwise pornographic phrases?

Some dude goes searching for “breastfeeding men videos” (seriously, you wouldn’t believe how many people search for this - I came across it when considering a joint project between my wife and I) and he comes across a great article about how Christ delivered a person from sexual addiction.

Same principle applies with anything about drugs. You have no idea how many drug-related spam comments I get in a week. Did you know that even though you need a prescription for viagra, the top website on google for “buy viagra” is reported to make 10,000 from advertising per day even though you can’t buy it through the website? Crazy.

On the other hand if someone could make 10K per day, do I have the resources to be able to compete? Not with their tactics, but I think some quality marketing will outdo the massive spam tactics over the long haul as Google, Yahoo, and MSN get better at detecting these techniques within their ranking algorithms.

Okay, now back to the 12 step stuff… 

People to check carefully before allowing on your support team

These people can come along for the ride, but check their boarding pass carefully. (Even if their ticket is in order, they are not meant to be the accountability partner or sponsor).

1. Friends from current circles - are the people you are spending time with 100% on board with your recovery? Usually not - they usually are enabling us or reinforcing something wrong that I’m into. I’m going to get some heat for this from people who have never been through recovery, but you have to go into the bubble for a bit on recovery and get around people where the fruits of dramatic life change and passionate life for the Lord is evident. I was very blessed in that God used the time during a move for me so the detachment from friends was easier. I’m not saying leave town - that’s between God and you, but there is no way someone can hang around the same group of friends from a former lifestyle and break free. They may be able to go back later to help their friends but that will be much later. I tried “going clean” while living in Kentucky to hang around with all my friends who still smoked, drank, and engaged in everything else that was making me ill. My willpower lasted about an hour (lol).
2. Family - Jesus’ own biological family was against him. They didn’t put him up on the cross but were not participants in God’s mission for him. They won’t say anything like “You don’t need to quit drinking,” because they’re not idiots - they know you’re a jerk when you drink Just be on guard for little verbal jabs or emails meant to ridicule, distract, or frustrate. Nearly every case of a person in recovery experiences this from at least one member of their family. Codependent or prideful mothers with control issues can insert an irresistible defense of their actions at end of the post ;). All I’m saying is Jesus expanded this definition of family for a reason.
3. Spouse - Eventually the spouse has to be on board because we are one with them and the body would be otherwise at war with itself. Be judicious in when this is brought along. I’ve heard guys try to explain how their spouse is their best friend, should be their accountability partner, etc. After a grasp of the shoulders and a shake, most come to their senses. Bringing in their spouse too early and sharing too much before a basis of understanding is there to receive this knowledge from us can be hazardous. Conversely, one can go my route and wait too long and be dishonest about my recovery with my wife. There is a happy middle ground - a narrow Gate that the Lord will lead us through.

Once that support team is there and regularly utilized though, recovery moves ahead like we’re drinking rocket fuel. I encourage you to start right now and even just shoot an email to someone in your recovery group to feel them out for the accountability thing. If you’re not in a group, go find one right now. God is ready for the next stage of our lives - the one he called us to before the world was even created. I’m excited for you!

I noticed there is one common thread across these 3 situations, and that is my humility before the Lord. Guys will help keep me accountable and say, “How’s your walk with the Lord,” but that is almost bordering on Christian cliche. What guys should be asking each other is, “How is your humility before the Lord,” or as Matt Chandler mentioned in a recent sermon, “What is in your hand when you approach the Lord”?

I can’t address denial or find truth without humility. Denial is nothing more than a lie to myself and others. To expose it I need the light of truth. God is the light and in him there is no darkness but God isn’t going to give me light when I’m refusing to come out of darkness. He can, but that does me no good for him to bail me out every time with a supernatural experience when I know what he’s all about.

Isn’t it a bit silly when I take a walk and really think about how big God is, that I could still try to hang on to things that I know God wants me to confess to him and let him cast out into the darkness? It’s not like these are awesome things and God is some giant kill-joy, either. I’m talking about stuff that eats my life like a cancer and I’m not talking about sex, drugs, or rock and roll. I’m talking about nothing more than pride.

1. So, the first step is being straight with God - it’s not like I’m surprising him or anything It’s going to take some time for God to really get us to the heart of the issue so be patient - I’m talking months - perhaps, years. In my case, God got me in the door for sexual addiction but I came to find something much deeper that was pulling the strings on that and other struggles in my life.
2. finding someone I trust, or someone I don’t know at all that will never know me and tell someone what’s up. It’s funny that growing up as a Catholic, I felt the whole priest/confession thing was bogus. Granted the Biblical rationale is still bogus but God does say to confess your sins to one another so that you may be healed.  It doesn’t say “might” be healed. It says, “that.” I have no idea why that matters but I haven’t seen the Bible be wrong yet.

Are you ready for those two steps? Awesome - tell us about it in the comments below. It’s all confidential. Share either your answer to the question we asked or share what happened after #1 & 2.

Hope this doesn’t scare anyone away from checking out their podcast or sermons but he usually tears us a new one (can’t say that in church, but you know what I mean) yet people come storming back for more. It’s like what all the hellfire and brimstone guys would be like if people actually became more fully-devoted followers of Christ as a result.

In the past people would have to uproot their family and move in order to benefit from these words the Lord passes down, but thanks to the internet, we can serve in our current local community and still get the teachings.

I usually listen to these messages multiple times while working on stuff around the house and get something new each time. Usually because I was reeling from a previous truth that I missed the next one.

Multimedia files of messages from Matt Chandler

(thanks to a few readers and bloggers on the web)

• the sermon archive on the Village Church website
• the village church podcast. on itunes
• check the comments below for a few cool video interviews & sermons
• view a message to the Dallas Theological Seminary
• another audio from Baylor
• Ran across a slew of great messages from Matt and other pastors at the Village Church. Most of these relate more to “professional ministry” but they certainly apply to anyone ministering the gospel… which would be all followers of Christ.
• parts one, two, three, and four of a video message from Foucus 2006
• short little video message called advice for preachers.

So who is Matt Chandler?

Here is what I’ve pieced together from a few articles around the web and his sermons.

• Been pastor of the Village Church where the membership has increased from 160 to 2500 in about 4 years despite him routinely telling people who do church “buffet style” to go away.
• Married and father of two. Seems to be in high demand from other ministries as a guest speaker.
• Has a sparsely-posted blog as part of a relationship with a ministry associated with Mars church in WA.
• Used to do college student ministry through Grace Bible Study in Abilene which was attended by 1,400 (or more) students weekly
• had “vibrant itinerant ministry for over ten years where he spoke to hundreds of thousands of people in America and abroad about the glory of God and beauty of Jesus” according to Bluefish
  

Enjoy the sermons & tack on anything else you know about Matt in the comments below which may give readers insight into his sermons. Just like knowing about the historical context of Biblical passages, knowing about a pastor’s background helps frame some of the information.

1. the obvious ones everyone thinks of - self-medicating with things that cause a feeling of ecstasy in the brain - drugs, booze, sex, whatever.
2. Next come the socially inappropriate things like controlling others with anger or guilt, looking to others to save me (codependency), annoying habits to others because they’re either gross or show signs of weakness like biting nails, cracking knuckles.
3. Then the socially approved ones like controlling other people (known as taking charge or being a “type a” personality, work (being productive), and legalism (elevating rules above the principle), or pride (camouflaged as positive thinking)

Nearly every person I know struggles mightily in at least one item in any of those three categories and it seeps through our body like a slow-moving cancer - none being a better or worse prognosis than the others. A little dramatic, perhaps - or is it?

The crazy part is that 99% of the time you will only see people from category #1 in recovery or you may see someone with codependent issues (#2) in recovery but that is only because they’re married to someone from group #1

You will only see someone from group #3 in recovery unless God hits them with a (proverbial) truck or lets them hook up with someone from group #1. This is the largest group of all who is suffering. This is the hemorrhaging of “Christian America” and the emperor is wearing no clothes. I went from #1 to suffering in #3 and nobody even knew I was sick. The impact on my life was actually worse, because I was in “Christian I’m okay, you’re okay land.”

If you’re here because you need help - awesome! God has you in the right place. Keep moving closer to him and we’ll do what we can here to help with the process. Let this be a lesson from you future calling back to you though so you don’t make the same mistake I did. The problem isn’t the chemicals, sex, or whatever. There is something much deeper so be aware - we’ll cover this more as we walk through the steps of recovery.

If you’re here because you came looking for Rob Bell Sermons, a PK schedule, or more about if ghosts are in the Bible, and are figuring out if you should take offense at this post or write me off likw some dude wearing a sandwich board downtown, I hope we’ll see you here again too.

Discussion question - how do you handle disappointment?

(Here’s the catch. Before anyone says “I give it to God,” remember he’s listening )